Call me out of it, but I don’t get modern marriage customs at all.
The other day the scrub tech announced that he was planning to get engaged – had been picking out the ring with his girlfriend, had been choosing where to take her to propose, and when. So the attending, a woman, asked as if it was the most natural thing, whether they were going to move in with each other now. And he said no, but just because her parents were so old-fashioned, and might not be too happy with that. So I guess now it’s automatic that if you’re so benighted as not to live togther prior to being engaged, certainly once you’re past that point (and remember that engagements routinely last for years now) you’re expected to be living together. (And since when is the woman informed of the proposal in advance? What counts as the proposal or engagement then, the monetarily valuable moment when the ring is handed over, or the emotionally valuable moment when the need for the ring is confirmed?)
And then of course there’s the routine style of talking which all the residents – male and female – adopt, of talking concerning engagements as though the man has been trapped into a life of misery. I wonder what their wives do to them to cause them to talk so. If I were the woman, I would be insulted – or perhaps concerned about what character flaw would do that; but the women join in. Or perhaps the men ought to be insulted – that they’re considered incapable of commitment and family building without being entrapped. Why has the rise of feminism produced a social more where men are expected not to care for families, and women are expected to be as lighthearted about the whole subject as the men are?
Americans scoff at the old arranged marriages, and the Eastern regard for virginity; but I don’t see any evidence that our modern “freedoms” produce any kind of happiness.
January 22, 2008 at 8:11 pm
It seems like “anything goes” these days. The couple’s financial situation is sometimes a contributor to the decision to live together. Personally, I wouldn’t sell my house and move in together until afterwards. But maybe I’m old-fashioned too.
On a similar note, my students used to ask me if I had any kids. I used to say, “I’m not married.” They’d look at me and say, “So?” Now I just answer, “No, I don’t” and leave it at that.
January 22, 2008 at 8:32 pm
I came across an Ursula LeGuin story the other day in which, as a societal feature mostly incidental to the plot line, it was illegal to be married. In the societal group your students belong, it’s maybe not far from that.
January 23, 2008 at 1:40 am
There are a few old-fashioned folks still around. But you knew that, having been home schooled. My son and his fiancee will not be sharing living quarters until after their wedding — and yes, their acquaintances do ask about that “odd” behavior. Their friends know them better than that.
February 10, 2008 at 4:43 pm
I personally don’t like the tag “old fashioned”. The way its been done for years has resulted in millions of great long lasting marriages. This new age way certainly has not. But I guess that is the way the world is leaning, and we just have to teach our kids differently.
February 11, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Jay – I use old-fashioned as a term of pride, as in Louisa May Alcott’s book, “An Old-Fashioned Girl.” Her heroine was considered old-fashioned, in the 1880s, for wearing more modest styles, being respectful to her elders, and not flirting with all the boys. Since it is an Alcott book, the storyline demonstrates how much better she succeeds in life, and eventually ends up rescuing the people who once mocked her antique values.