The MICU was paying me back today. I got no less than seven insane consults from them today, three within half an hour in the morning, and four within half an hour in the afternoon. If they had even had a reasonable explanation for why they were consulting us, it would have been better, instead of things like, “we got this scan for (insert completely wild idea, the scan wouldn’t prove it, and why on earth were you looking for that zebra anyway), and look, there was a bowel obstruction.” That was from one of my favorite of the new class of medicine interns, so I explained as politely as I could that since the patient was completely comfortable, much more interested in getting me to adjust the tv than in discussing his nonexistent abdominal pain, completely nontoxic on exam,¬†and his labs didn’t show any abnormalities, the chances of my attending deciding to operate based on that scan were pretty much nil.

Then there was one of the usual “the patient is septic and going into multi-organ system failure, consult surgery,” with, you will be pleased to hear, hypotension and renal failure being treated with three pressors, no fluids. I tried on that one, but I figured after pointing it out to the team three times, there was nothing more I could say about the iv fluids.

And a couple of “every other surgeon in the hospital has refused to do a feeding tube on this patient, claiming that it’s either unethical or too dangerous, maybe your attending will feel differently.” Um, yeah, when my attending gets out of the OR at 6pm today, and before he starts his eight-hour case tomorrow morning, I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to consider that one. I barely got him to listen to the other consults (after I introduced them with the remark that they didn’t call for action by us).

Somehow, I still managed to feel stressed out, because all the patients we were consulted on were indeed critically ill, and after spending a month in the trauma ICU, I still feel a reflexive urge to try to fix ICU patients, even when they’re not mine, not my problem, nothing I can do for them; so it takes me too long to get through the chart and decide for sure that there’s nothing the surgeons can add to their care. Plus the floor nurses paging me all day: “Are you going to send this patient home when he gets back from the test?” “Well, I have to see him after the test, and then I’ll be able to say for sure.” “Ok, but are you going to send him home?” And the floor medicine residents: “Are you going to do surgery on this patient?” “I don’t know, I have to ask my attending, he’s in the OR, he’s kind of busy.” One hour later: “Are you going to do surgery on this patient?” “I don’t know, my attending is still in the OR, and I haven’t gone by to ask him for the third time today. How about if I call you?” I know, they were trying to clean their list, and I do the same to them by turns (“Are you going to discharge this patient? Please are you going to discharge this patient soon?”)

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