I hate it when my patients die.

I spend hours and days afterwards going over every single step, everything I did, everything that happened – was there anything I could realistically have done differently? There always is, and I can never tell which differences would be important, and which not.

I also hate the 80hr week. For the first time this month it is seriously forcing me to spend less time in the hospital than I want to. Other times I’ve gotten around it, but this month it’s getting me in trouble (surprised?). I’m being forced to come in to work later than I’d like, and leave earlier than I want to. I feel like I’m not taking good care of my patients. That was the only good thing I had, satisfaction in doing my job well and taking care of my patients; now I don’t even have that any more. Thanks, ACGME/RRC. I’m getting to be a shift-worker: in on the clock, out on the clock, and forget about what might be happening at the time. If I learn to be satisfied with this, I will have lost my professionalism.

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